A fresh start?

It's been a while since I have posted something, actually more than a year. 

Since after my last post, many things changed in my life. I left my job, I stopped writing,  joined a business, now looking for a job, lost complete health and fitness, in short, this is where my slope is headed, and for now, I don't even know how worse is it going to get. 

This post is a gloomy one. Read with caution. 

Going back to the second month of 2019,

All was going well. I started to plan for my holiday vacations and how I would go about it, getting tickets done, everything was on point, Feb passed quite smoothly, my health was at its best, was reaching my weight loss goals and everything was great.  Moving on to March as I came home for Holi, I got to know that how my father has been overthinking about everything and has been feeling a bit lonely, and once he had to be rushed to the hospital too. It was a false alarm but the fact that such a situation came, was heartbreaking. 

So as soon as I went back, after a few days, I put down my resignation papers, it was a two months notice period and I had the worst pain in my gut the day I sent the resignation email, I had everything and soon I was going to be back to square one. 

Nevertheless, the day came when I actually packed up my stuff and left Goa, promising myself to visit Goa every year for a week on my solo trip. Anyways, so fast-forward to June 2020, I joined the business, meet the team there and start out with my routine. It all started great, I mean a team that works, growing opportunities in the industry, what else could I ask for. Oh and also a good pay package for me.

It did not take me long to realise that we had the wrong people on board and the business was going backwards instead of moving positively, but what could I do apart from telling the authorities about it, after all, I was just a person sitting there to pass on orders passed down to me. Soon after, I had to do the toughest work of letting people go, well I did it with a rock on my heart. Did it save the business? I don't know but it definitely slowed down the reverse movement. 

I started becoming a house for depression, couldn't express to anyone, couldn't show it to the world but every day it was difficult for me to get up, my bed became my comfort zone and moving out meant fighting a battle against the world every moment. I would have many sleepless nights, crying at nights and other unmentionable thoughts started creeping in, and I couldn't see my life getting any better. Meanwhile, it was time for my brother's wedding so I got occupied with shopping and everything, then the wedding perps and this went on for a while. 

Post everything, in January, I decided enough is enough and started applying for jobs. Everywhere and anywhere possible. People were impressed by my cv and interviews but wouldn't want me to work with them because of my lack of continuity in my jobs and so never got selected. But with an ungiving attitude, I still apply every day, 99% times I don't even get a response from the company but I still try every day. 

Fast-forward to a few days back. I got a call from a very dear cousin, who wanted to start with her own blog. After telling her about it, she asked me something I should have asked myself, but completely forgot, "why don't you write anymore, Ghazal?"

I couldn't say a word, I had nothing to say. The question pushed me back in a moment where I was writing and feeling happy about people reading my words, but it got wiped from my memory, perhaps because of the changes I had undergone. But then I realised I was silent for way too long and I had to say something. So I just promised her that I would write. 

I didn't.

Just a couple of days back. I got a call from her again, she writes awesome stuff, and I was trying to deviate the topic of why am I not writing at any cost, talking about random stuff. But to my horror, that question came up. This time, I could reply but I knew I should be replying with a proper answer to my own self too because otherwise, I wouldn't be dreading the question in the first place. 

All in all, she soothed me down and said it is ok if no one reads or if you don't want anyone to read, write and save it as a draft, but don't stop writing. This time I actually made a promise to her and me, so here I'm completing the promise, I am writing. Before writing this, I laid down for two hours straight trying to calm myself down, having anxiety attacks, I mean what's the most that can happen when I publish this post, people would actually read it?? Isn't that the reason why I started writing in the first place? I guess so. 

So people, thank you for believing in me and here I am, once again trying to start Ghazal kaa safar.

 P.s. written on my phone, the possibility of 100s of grammatical errors. Kindly ignore.